Monday, January 26, 2015

poem: happiness

Happiness
What is it? Happiness?
This elusive state of being we strive for so desperately we will do anything to get it.
In this immediate gratification life we live. I want it now!
Why can’t I be happy now?!
Well? Where can I buy it? Who has it?
It seems so out of reach sometimes.
Like ur so close and yet so far.
Like u can smell it but cant taste it
It’s but a dream, a thing of the imagination
Or is it just that, something made up to drive the human race insane trying to achieve this thing that really does not exist?!
I think as long as people have brains, “happiness” can never be
Because we will always want more, need more,
Does it exist at all?
If u are truly, utterly happy, please let me in on ur secret, free of charge.

I’ll leave the tip at the door.

poem: tug of war

Tug of war

There is a tug of war in my head

I am ever conflicted

Decisions to be made

Thoughts to be thought

Words to be said

Between the old familiar voices that have lived with me for so long and the new words of comfort and healing that are brand new

The old voices don’t feel like making room for the newbies, get off my turf they say

Hence the mental civil war between the vets of damaging messages that are keeping me feeling trapped and overwhelmed with gloom and the new words of hope and a chance t be free.

Or do I just need to be realistic? Realistic or pessimistic?

Are my new beliefs delusional? Because they are unusual?

But the usual has not been working for me

And yet what is the truth, what should I do? How should I think?

I don’t even know how to think anymore.

I always hated that game

Tug of war. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

poem: Words

Words
The words that formed in your mind seemed perfect to say at the time
But did you realize that they were weapons of mass destruction?
Bullets, fireballs, knives, stones,
Burning holes in her soul
Leaking out the small morsel of self-esteem she managed to collect just a minute ago
Now burst into flame
With her shame
With her tears, which she is now trying to hide.
Oh those perfect words you thought you said
They just destroyed her again. Made her feel small, like nothing at all
Those words you said, are not just words.
They make or break souls.


poem: Anxiety

Anxiety
It’s like a film over a window so u can’t see clearly.
The party pooper that always shows up
The adrenaline rush you didn’t ask for
Everything becomes an emotional chore. Everything is a big deal.
Washing the dishes, going to the grocery store, calling a friend
For “normals” it doesn’t take a second thought, for us we’re lucky there is not a third or fourth thought.
Over analyze is our middle name
I am over analyzing this poem right now
I am anxious to finish this poem
Is it good? Good enough? Am I good enough? I did something wrong, I shouldn’t have said that, no yes….explosion.
Heart pounding, breath leaving, sounds sharper, thoughts racing, I’m dying
Out of control. Panic.
Klonapin. Relief.

For now. 

poem: Trapped

Trapped
I feel trapped.
I’m smothered, I can’t breathe
It’s hard to move, to get free
From life’s “obligations” and awkward conversations
From what I’m supposed to want, to do, to be
I want to be free
To be me
To be happy
To sing
To dance
To play
To cry
Society has created a box so heavily sealed by rules and regulations
“norms” and expectations
Expecting me to fit in the same size fits all life of everyone else when everyone else is nothing like me
My wishes and dreams, what do they mean, can I really “go after my dreams” live the “American dream”
Of years of stress and angst and tears and loans upon loans to begin my life as adult with a pile of debt
That I will carry in my mind on my back for years
While the bank makes millions off the interest.
The walls are closing in, I can’t breath

I’m trapped. 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Blue Smoky Eye Look

Blue Smoky Eye!! :)

B"H
Hey Guys!!!!
OMG I know...its been like way way to long since I've blogged. But ya'll know im in PA school and so having the time or head space to do this well....ya. Anyhoo, Im back and lets hope there isnt another like 6 months until I do another blog post.
Moving on...so today I am so excited to walk you through this blue smoky eye look I did. here it is:


,This smoke\y eye was inspired by a similar look I saw in NyLon Magazine. I liked it because it had a metallic blue shadow solely around the lashline. For my eye shape this is a great option. Many smoky eye looks have you applying a dark shadow all over the lid and into the crease. That just doesn't work for my eye shape since I have a lot of lid and a larger crease. It ends up looking like I got punched in the eye!! not pretty. Sooo, Im loving this alternative and here is a step by step of how I did it and how you can do it too!
First the EYES:
 
1) Primer: I used Urban Decays Primor Potion. I think I wrote about it before but it is great stuff! its worth the splurge!! It really does make the shadow last a long time and make the color pop better. So I applied the primor all over my upper lid, crease and up to the brow bone, and this time since I am applying eyeshadow on my lower lash line, I applied some primer there as well.
2) Eye shadow step #1: So here is where the magic begins! hee hee. I used two shadows in the Lorac Pro pallete. That's right, just TWO shadows!!! So ya, this is definitely a do-able look for ppl like me who r not professionals who want to still look "smokin"...haha get it...smokin? Oish anyhoo. So the first shadow I used in this pallete is called slate. Its a deep blue-gray metallic color that's just divine! I used a slanted eyeliner brush to apply it as a thick liner on my top and bottom lash line.
3) Eye liner: The next product I used in Kat Von D's autograph pencil in puro amor. Its a black eyeliner pencil that I will hopefully write a review about soon...anyway I applied this over the eyeshadow I just applied. I applied it on the top and bottom lash line. Now to add to th smokey effect, I made sure to apply the liner all the way to the tear duct. I often stop 3/4 of the way, but its more dramatic if you apply the liner on your waterline all the way to the tear duct.
4) Eye shadow step #2: Next I took a blending brush and again applied slate, but only on the top lash line again. I applied more of slate over the eyeliner, I blended it a little bit more into the lid making sure to stop almost midway into the lid. So basically, I did not apply this shade all over my lid just almost mid lid...lol that rhymes. anyhoo, that is the point of this smoky eye. Its smoky but wearable on my eye shape!!
5) Eye shadow step #3: Finally, using the blending brush again to apply the second shadow I used from Lorac Pro, called white, lol yes it is called white and it is in fact white, very creative...so using the blending brush I applied that on my brow bone and all the way down meeting up to the slate color.
6) Mascara: I used Benefit's They're Real on my top and bottom lashes.
 
FACE:
1) Foundation: So I'm not in love with the foundation I used, so you can really choose any foundation you like or have around. But just to let you know I used Maybelline's Instant Age Rewind Eraser in creamy ivory. The thing I do like about this foundation is that the color matches my skin tone pretty well, which omg is major browny points since that's really hard to find. I also like the packaging. I will show a picture below, but its a twist up foundation that you apply with a sponge on top, so its pretty easy application and it blends really well.
2) Concealer: I think I may have blogged abt it already, but I do really like this concealer..i used Laura Mercier's secret concealer in shade #2. I applied this under my eyes and just added some on the sides of my nose and top of my nose where I have a lot of redness.
3) Blush: OK, so since I am doing a smoky eye look, you want to try and keep the rest of your face understated a. because you really want your eyes to be the focus and pop, and b. you'll just look like a clown with smoky eyes and lots of pink blush! all that said, I applied a neutral tawny color that matches my coloring very well...its Clinique's blush in chestnut. I still wanted some definition to my cheeks and face but still wanted to keep a subtle cheek.
 
AAAAHHHLMOST DONE LOL LIPS:
 
Again, I don't know if I ever blogged abuot this before, I feel like I should have since I use this stuff ALLLLL the time. I used Revlon's Colorstay Overtime Lipcolor in Eternal Rose. This stuff has been like a makeup staple of mine since High school no joke. I use it all the time because out of all the "long wear" high end crap I tried this  and Maybelline are the only brands that actually last! Like I said before, you want to keep the rest of your face very subtle and understate when wearing a smoky eye. Therefore a lot of youtube gurus just apply a nude lipcolor to finish the look. BUT I really don't like how my lips look with a nude color so I chose to apply this since its not really dark or red but it gives enough color where I feel like my lips are still defined and not fading into the background.
 
 PHEWWW That is it people!! I hope you enjoyed, please subscribe, share, and comment. ty xoxox
Yaf:
PS: here r pics of the products I used.
 
    
 


Saturday, April 6, 2013

Pics of a makeup look on me...finally!!

B"H
Ok so i know its been like a century since i have posted...but i did warn ya'll that I am a very very very busy PA student. BH, TG. Anyhoo, so Thank G-d I got a really cool new phone that takes awesome pics and I was playing wiht it and well, i got you some pics of my most recent makeup look for this week's sabbath/shabbos. So I am going to tell you what products I used and try as best I can to describe what to do, which should not be that difficult, I really am no expert..maybe just a bit more informed that some..anyway enjoy yay!!.


Ok so here are the pics of my look. I have been really into neutrals lately, u know like beiges, brown, black ivory and all the colors in between. So those r the eye colors i used in this look. Ok so here is what I did:
1) EYES: Product used: Ulta Eyeshadows in SILK, SANDSTONE, MYSTICAL, & MOLTEN. I first primed my entire eyelid from lashline to brow bone with URBAN DECAY POTION PRIMER. Then I placed SANDSTONE on my lid from lashline up until and including my crease.Then i put SILK all over my  brow bone which is the area of ur eye lid right under your eye brow...if u touch and press it should fell hard...cuz there is a bone there..hense ur brow bone lol. Anyhoo Then i placed MYSTICAL in my crease and blended it out up a little bit out of my crease toward my brow bone. Finally to add some oomph and some extra drama i took a little of  MOLTEN (pics of the shadow will be below), and blended it just on the outer corners of my eyelids. Lastly, place black eyeliner on top and bottom and black mascara. I used MAYBELLINE'S STLLETO MASCARA & URBAN DECAY EYE LINER. Product notes: don't waste ur money on Urban Decay eyeliner, its good but its not the best and its alot of money so other brands r fine. I do really like maybelline stilleto right now though...really adds alot of length to my lashes. Also, i dunno if the deal is still on but I got a boat load of shadows from Ulta which i used for this look in a kit for only like &25 buck, i think it says it has like 61 products in the kit!!! a major deal. check and see if its still going on, if not u can totally achieve the look with diff products just similar shades. 
2) FACE: OK, so I used first under my eyes LAURA MERCIER CONCEALER, its like a combo with concealer for eyes, blemishes and setting powder all in one compact...pretty cool. so ya that under my eyes and on blemishes. Then I used CLINIQUE'S TINTED MOISTURIZER all over my face. Lastly I used LOREAL PARIS TRUE MATCH BLUSH IN W3-4 BARELY BLUSHING. K now when putting on blush this is really an art you need to develop and practice. I still am learning! This blush is really like a bronzer but anyway. I place it on my cheekbones, back toward my ears and hairline, and stop before my apples. You dont want the blush on ur cheeks on the area right next to ur nose, looks kinda funny. But anyhoo I apply the blush/bronzer with the brush in a circular motion (so its less streaky) directly onto the most prominent and round part of ur cheek. (the bone). I stopped the color about 2/3 along from my ear toward my nose leaving that last third closest to my nose without color. 
3) LIPS; I used MAYBELLINE'S SUPER STAY 24 HOUR COLOR LIP COLOR IN TIMELESS TOFFEE 150. Just follow the directions which this, its a long waering color (which is really all i wear beceaue nothing else stays on me and i hate having to reapply lipstick during the day...) Basically you put on the liquid color, let it dry for like 30 secs to a minute (depending on how patient u r lol) and then put on the lip balm part or clear lip gloss on top to add shine. 
ANY QUESTIONS FEEL FREE TO ASK ON COMMENTS BELOW :)
Shadows from top to bottom left column: SILK, SANDSTONE, MYSTICAL. 3rd color from top right column : MOLTEN. 
XOXO
Yaf